She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
