I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
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