dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
