it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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