About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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