I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
