i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
