a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
