I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
