note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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