Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
