Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
