I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
