can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Yo dont text me then not text me
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Randomize
