I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
