The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Randomize
