I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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