I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
