id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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