I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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