Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
We're not piercing ourselves today.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
