please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
