Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
