My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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