I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
