I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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