I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
