you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
