i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
