i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Randomize
