i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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