Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
