i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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