Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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