I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize
