I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
