So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
