I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
