So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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