There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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