Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Randomize
