he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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