you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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