I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
