I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
