i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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