i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
