That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
