Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
