i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
