His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
