I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
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